Le Touriste

This post is long overdue. It seems as though I have lost sight of the intentions I had set for myself on this trip. Thanks to a well placed comment by Salem in response to my last post, I've decided to make a conscious effort to stay focused on my writing. I don't mean on the frequency; I mean on the content. I've gotten so caught up in writing about what I'm doing, that I barely mention how I'm doing, much less why I'm doing.

In the first couple weeks of this trip, I was already beginning to feel like a tourist. This feeling is becoming more and more prominent as the days and weeks go by. Everything I've done so far has been easily accessible. All the activities that I've taken part in were developed to cater to people just like me. It pains me to say that because I pride myself in being different. Sure, I'm having a great time and experiencing new things. I'm extremely grateful to be traveling, but I don't feel like I'm doing it right. There are tens of thousands of backpackers wandering about, just going through the motions. I feel like one of them. I am one of them. At first I was surprised to run into people that I had seen before in other cities or countries, but the reality is that Southeast Asia is a circuit and there are so many people on it that you're bound to bump into some familiar face every now and again.

Being part of the backpacker crowd has been one of the most frustrating things for me. I feel like a giant target every second that I'm in public with my bag on. It's not just a feeling; I am in fact a giant target. I do my best to lose my backpack as quickly as possible any time I get somewhere new. I don't mind the looks I get for being a foreigner -- I've long since gotten used to those from my friends at home. I just smile at people like it's my job, but I feel slightly vulnerable with my backpack on.

Another frustration comes from visiting tourist attractions. The temples at Angkor Wat, for example, would have been much more awe-inspiring had I been alone at the site. Instead, I had to fight for a clear shot every time I wanted a photo, and wait in a crowd at certain narrow passages that created a bottleneck. I like the feeling of discovering something for myself, like I'm uncovering it for the first time, because it helps spark my imagination. This is nearly impossible with so many people around. The crowds also make me feel like I'm on vacation. I do not deserve, nor do I need, a vacation. Anything that makes me feel like I'm on vacation also makes me feel like I'm wasting time; like I've only substituted one set of distractions at home for another set out here. Even blogging about these things feels like I'm writing for the sake of filling white space.

So, purpose is still the name of the game. I left on this trip to explore myself under the influence of foreign stimuli. I created this blog primarily to document the progression of my thoughts. It's in the blog description. This doesn't mean that I'm going to stop writing about what I'm doing. I still want to track where I've been and what I've seen. I will also continue to tell stories about certain things that happen, because those are the building blocks of my experience abroad. You know, there is no substitute for experiencing a broad. Plus, I would really like to maintain this illusion I have that I am funny. In spite of the criticism, I've come to accept that laughing at my own jokes is an inherited and inherent trait. Unfortunately, both of my parents were carriers so there is no escaping it. You can bet that if you laugh at something I've written, I laughed twice as hard when when I wrote it. On the bright(er) side, laughing is both a symptom and a cause of happiness, so I will do it even at the expense of you rolling rolling your eyes.

I am resetting the balance of this blog, to keep it alive. I am extra ordinary in that I, like anyone else, have the capacity to process my experiences and spin a philosophical web from my takeaways. But I am extraordinary because I, like relatively few, am taking it upon myself to put my philosophies into words that can be interpreted and used by anyone; not as some obscure basis for what's right or wrong, but as neutral grounds for stimulating progressive thought.

How's that Mr. XL?